As mentioned in the previous entry, if there is a movie on this list that you have not seen, skip through the write up to avoid spoilers. Fair Warning. Now let’s continue with the list.
5. Pigeon Lady in Home Alone 2
In the original Home Alone, Kevin finds unlikely help from the scary Old Man Marley. As we all know, Old Man Marley was a serial killer who murdered his whole family and half his block. (as established in this article https://spungos.wordpress.com/2011/02/21/home-alone-an-analysis/ ). So who did the writers decide to use as the person who could give Kevin some help and guidance in the sequel? Yes, a crazy pigeon lady. How many weird diseases did that lady have from those birds? Just being in contact with her put Kevin in far more danger than being chased by Harry and Marv. There’s a distinct possibility that the reason there was a new kid in Home Alone 3 is because the original Kevin died of some sort of Bird AIDS he received in Central Park. Pigeon Lady is the only character bad enough to make a Rob Schneider character seem tolerable.
Thanks a lot Pigeon Lady for leaving us with this kid.
4. Kate Capshaw in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
As you may have already noticed, this list is very female heavy. I just don’t have tolerance for female characters who bring nothing to the table. On the flip side, one of the best female characters is movie history was Karen Allen’s Marion in Raiders of the Lost Ark. She could drink men under the table, battle Nazi’s, and be the perfect counterpart for Indy. So, in comes Kate Capshaw in Temple of Doom. Since Allen set the bar so high for an Indy love interest, she had big shoes to fill. So how’d she do you may ask? Her main function was to complain for two hours. Indy was about to die in multiple scenes and she refused to help him because she was scared of some bugs. Now, a woman complaining for two hours straight is realistic, but Temple of Doom wasn’t about being realistic. I think the whole inflatable boat out of the plane and down the mountain part made that pretty clear. How in the world did Harrison Ford fall for her? And I know what some may be thinking. What about Short Round? As far as I’m concerned, if you hate Short Round, you’re probably a terrorist.
Hey, lady! You call him Dr. Jones!
3. Bruce Willis’ girlfriend in Pulp Fiction
This lady had one damn job. Bruce Willis was the one who had to arrange the bets, ignore instructions to take a dive in his fight, escape, and then find a way to keep him and his girlfriend safe from a Marcellus Wallace hell bent on revenge. And all she had to do was remember his damn watch. Didn’t Bruce Willis explain to her the importance of that watch? She couldn’t even get the right kind of pancakes. But since she forgot her one job, Bruce Willis had to go and almost die and get raped just to get his watch.
He wouldn’t have forgot that watch!
2. Rosie Perez in White Men Can’t Jump
I said before that Minnie Driver was the perfect example of an unnecessary girlfriend character. I take that back. NOW THIS is the perfect example. White Men Can’t Jump would’ve gone down as one of the great sports films had it not been for this character. I can’t even fathom what the writers were thinking when creating her character. It probably went something like this:
Writer 1: So what do we have so far?
Writer 2: We have a story about street basketball and a talented white boy who makes his money by hustling unsuspecting black players in urban Los Angeles.
Writer 1: That sounds pretty damn good. Let’s roll with that.
Writer 2: Wait we should add a love interest.
Writer 1: How about an annoying latina girlfriend who talks in an absurd annoying accent who bosses around the main character around the whole time.
Writer 2: Ooh I like that. And we can make her seem like an idiot the whole time, but then in the end have a subplot that has nothing to do with the story about how she becomes a Jeopardy Champion.
Would have crushed her in Jeopardy
1. The “Girl” from The Crying Game
I won’t get into details about why this movie would have been better without this character. I’ll let you figure that out on your own. My eyes cannot forget what I saw. And it’s my own fault since I knew the “big” twist. My only advice is this: Once you’ve seen the last of Forest Whitaker’s character, you’ve seen enough. “Dick” Clark and Jimmy “Johnson” hated this movie too. And certainly don’t have a hot dog while watching. That “weiner” won’t go down well. And if someone tells you otherwise about this movie, he’s a “huge prick.”
THAT’S NOT A GUN!!!!!